Saturday, January 31, 2009

6k Run Today!!

Well, today was another run that I completed! This time it was a 6k (about 3.7miles). This is the second run in the series called the Mud in Your Eye XC Series.

This run was a little different, I didn't feel as nervous and I felt as if I was really there for a reason. I had my "Rally Athlete" shirt on, my wrist band made of Johnathons t shirt. I was ready.

Again I had just got off of work in the ED after another 11 hour shift. I will have to do this because all the runs I have scheduled are on Saturdays...and I always work Friday nights. So if this is what I need to do, then I have to continue this schedule. As if just running wasn't hard enough.

So I drove to Chesepeake, and of coarse ran into construction, got detoured, lost and then finally found where the run is located.

It was colder this morning and I'm glad I double checked my bag and rememberd to wear warmer clothes.

It is funny to see so many people out for these runs on a freezing January morning, but there was excitement, friends meeting up and people standing around chatting, kids running around. And for a moment I felt very alone.

But like the struggle with Johnathons cancer, the struggle with the loss and greif...I felt alone...even though there were so many people around me.

As the sun was starting to warm the air the race was off. I have been running about 4 miles a day and running one long run of at least 6 miles once a week. So I felt that this should be a nice run.

My intentions of coarse are not on winning or being competitive but I did find myself more motivated as I was moving along at a nice pace. I had this tiny little person pass me by with no effort at all, she was at least half my age and most definatly half my size. I kept pace with her...I'm huffing and puffing and she is out on an early morning stroll. I kept up with her and she kept me motivated.

I finished 8th in my age group and had a personal best pace of 10 min miles. I was excited!!

My next run will be on Valentines Day!! This is a 14k about 8.7miles!! This is the longest run yet!! But as long as I keep moving at the pace I'm going, I will do fine. Just keep putting one step in front of the other!

My First 5k!!

I ran my first 5k on January 10th 2009 part of the Mud in your Eye XC series. Although when I signed up I really didn't know it was cross country run...again this was my first 5k.
I had already been on an 11 hour shift in the ED before heading out for the 8am run. This being the first run of many runs before my "Big Run", I am training for the Rock n Roll 1/2 Marathon in 2009 then the Shamrock Marathon 2010.
I'm running to raise money for Childhood Cancer Research.
On January 16th 1999 I lost my first son Johnathon to Neuroblastoma, a rare childhood cancer. Johnathon gave a valiant fight for over a year before he passed away in my arms early that morning in January.
Johnathon was 2 1/2 years old. I was a single mom at 25 years old, he was my life. The last 10 years have been hard and at times nearly unbearable without him. The struggle to move forward had been hard and I struggled with the pain and grief for many years, I did not always face the pain and suffering with grace or dignity and there were times that were really ugly as I struggled to find peace within myself . Most if the time it was all I could do to just inhale and exhale.
Earlier this last year I had decided it was my time to move forward, not move on, but move forward and to set myself and Johnathon free. It was time to heal my pain and honor and cherish the memories I had of Johnathon.
For me this is not only a testament to the strength and courage of my son, but also to the dedication and commitment that I have to do "something big" for my son, and also as a journey to heal and make peace with the pain, anger and resentment that I have held on to for so long, my time to heal.
I stepped out of the car into the freezing morning air at MT Trashmore, it was about 0730. I headed out for my first 5k with the mission of just running. To take the first step toward a larger goal. To just finish the run.
I had taken a piece of my sons favorite old t shirt and wrapped it around my wrist, yes, I had kept that shirt for the last 10 years!! It was something I have held onto, just as tightly as I have held on to his memory.
I headed for the starting line. As I started out it was all I could do to hold back the tears, just knowing what a long road I had already traveled and what huge goals I had set for myself.
That first mile hurt and then I way am I ever going to get to a marathon, no way and I wanted to stop...I looked down at that old faded peice of t shirt and thought of Johnathon and tears overcame me, I moved forward. Forward motion is all I need right now just to keep moving forward.

When I got closer to the finish, I could feel myself getting excited...I was almost there...I was almost done...I was going to finish this run...and as I finished I knew I had only really started.

I felt so high and so full of purpose after that run, it was all I could do to control myself the rest of day. I felt a new sense of purpose, dedication and committment to my goal.

For me it isn't about winning or losing that is important, it is all about the way you finish that counts. So I kind of thought of it this way and related it to my life..
"it isn't how you run the race that matters, not how fast or how slow, what you wear your style or your form, it isn't about winning or losing, it's about not quitting, not giving up, not turning back and dropping out, always stay in a forward motion, at times the pace is relaxed smooth and easy and then it can be fast, hard unable to catch your breath, wanting to stop and maybe for a bit, but always in a forward motion...forward motion still means your headed toward the finish line, still in the race, moving forward cheering on those along the way, hearing the cheers from those waiting at the end, forward motion is all I have to do, it isn't about how I run the race, but how I run my race...moving forward, finishing strong and knowing that I did the best I could and always kept in a forward motion"