Chicago 2009 Marathon!!

I have been in a training slump over the last few weeks, although I am still running my races I have not been logging in the miles daily. I think I may have finally pulled myself out and am on a regular schedule now. I just have to stick to it!!

So far we have raised $2058 toward Childhood Cancer Research!! I am so happy with the support and encouragement that I have received.

I recently was invited to run for the Rally Foundation and run in memory of Johnathon who will become a "Rally Kid" The Rally Foundation is the organization that I have become a part of, it has given me a way to raise money for my cause and has made it easy. I have had so much personal support from the staff.

October 11, 2009 the Rally Athletes are going to run in the Bank of America Chicago Marathon. I will be one of those athletes!! I have to raise at least $3200 to qualify. I am almost there with only $1152 to go!!

I know that I can raise the money, but I am scared that I may not have what it takes to run a full marathon!! That's 26.2 miles!! I felt good after the 14K (8.7 miles) and feel quite certain that I could do a half marathon, but a full one!? The thought scares me.

Then I wondered if I have set the bar too high! If I actually have what it takes to do the whole thing. Garrett says that running a half marathon would be just as rewarding and would still show the support and love that I have for Johnathon and would still be raising funds for Childhood Cancer Research. But running a full marathon? Do I really have the athletic ability to do it, the mind set? I know that I have the determination and the drive. I just feel a little overwhelmed when I think about it all.

I know that I say it is all about one race at a time, one mile at a time and just staying in a "Forward Motion". But I have never been good at following my own advise.

The one thing that I always hear from people when it comes to my history with my son and his battle with cancer is "your so strong...I could have never done that" I hear this more often that I want to hear. But honestly I was just doing what I "had" to do. I didn't think of it as having the strength, I just thought of it as doing what any mom would do, to just be there for my son.

I was 25 years old when I had Johnathon, what the hell did I know at 25? I'm almost 40 now and I'm just figuring things out, just now moving forward from being stuck for so long.

I can remember as clear as yesterday when we had to take Johnathon to Salt Lake City Children's Hospital to find out what was going on in his stomach. Our pediatrician had found what looked like tumors on his liver and kidney in x rays.

I remember sitting in the waiting area after meeting with the doctors and I can remember sitting there with toys all around me, kids playing and people all around. But as I sat there I felt so alone and so scared. I just sat there with my stomach doing flip flops and thought at any moment I would throw up!

I waited for the doctors to review the charts and x rays. I waited thinking about how I ended up here? How does this happen, what is going to happen? I just watched as Johnathon played with the other kids in the waiting room, and fought to hold back the tears, swallowed hard as I thought of the worst and then took a deep breath in as the nurse called us back to the office.

I tried hard not to let the fear show, tried hard not to let anyone see me cry. I was scared. Then the doctors all gathered around me and my son, my mom and step dad at my side. Then the words I feared the most shattered what was left of my somewhat normal life.

I am afraid to tell you that the tumors in your sons stomach may be cancerous tumors.

Cancerous tumors!! My son has cancer!! My head spun around and I felt my heart drop, I felt a lump in my throat and tried to pull myself together, I was going to stand strong and be strong, but I could feel my knees weaken and my heart breaking as my world came crashing down all around me.

I just looked at my son and I thought, oh my God, what am I supposed to do now!! How could I even begin to imagine the road ahead of me. Nothing could prepare me for this. Nothing!!

When I got home I put my son down to sleep, as I tried to keep from crying. I looked at him as he slept silently, and I gently caressed his head with my hand brushing back his hair and telling him, it was going to be alright, mommy is here and everything is going to be alright. I then knelt down at the side of his bed and I prayed as I had never prayed before I prayed for God to give me the courage and the strength to stay strong and I prayed for God to watch over Johnathon, then I cried myself to sleep that night, wondering what I had done to deserve this, why me, why John.

The next day Johnathon was scheduled for surgery to have the tumors removed. As I sat there in the surgery waiting room, my mom at my side, she could see me struggling with myself, struggling to stay strong, not to cry, holding back the flood of emotion that was always just below the surface, struggling with myself. And as mom always did, she stood quietly and strongly at my side touched my hand and said in her soft voice says to me...just one day at a time, one step at a time. Then that was all I needed to let the emotion take over me.

So I guess I just have to look at this journey the same way, no matter how scared or how unsure I am of what is going to happen next, I just have to remember one day at a time, one step at a time.

When I don't think that I am strong enough, I just think of how strong Johnathon was as he started onward with his battle with cancer.