Valentines Day 14k!!

I would have to say that this was the hardest and longest run so far! It was a great turn out on Saturday morning for the Valentines Day 14k Run. A huge turn out of 2000 people!! The atmosphere was happy and energetic. All for a good cause so many people came out to run for cancer research and awareness.

What I loved most that there were so many different people, different sizes, shapes and ages all out to just have a good time! I enjoyed the spirit and the love of the sport with so many different people. Although a 14k is a very long distance!

Again, after a long night in the ED I headed out for yet another run in my long list of scheduled runs until next year. It was going to be a great day! The weather was just right for running. I have been so lucky to have the support of so many of my friends and co workers, I feel as if all of them are right along side me as I run each race. I have gotten support from people that I may not have otherwise thought would be so encouraging and yet their support and encouragement make me feel as if I can really make a difference.

The race started out at a pretty quick pace, people trying to get by, you trying to get passed,but yet people were so nice and polite as they passed you or bumped you slightly. Not as if I was at the mall or grocery store where I would have been run down by a shopping cart if I wasn't on my game!

I had a positive energy threw out the race, feeling like I was making good time and moving at a nice pace for my level. I felt good, knowing I was out for a good cause and that I was doing all this for a bigger goal and purpose. I felt strong...that was until I hit mile marker 6!! Then I realized...oh only another 2.7miles to go!!

The last leg hurt...and so many times I wanted to stop!! So many times I just wanted to slow down and walk for a bit, but I know my brain and if I stop and walk...I have mentally quit. So I just plugged along dragging my lead filled legs and just kept my head down and one foot in front of the other.

I still found enough energy to clap for those I did pass along the way, cheer for those trying to keep going, and holding back the tears because I knew I was feeling like I wanted to give up.

I turned my focus to the real reason I am running, I'm doing this for Johnathon and for my own spiritual healing. I have spent the last 10 years serving some self inflicted penance that I felt I have to pay for some reason, always blaming myself, always feeling as if I should suffer, suffer as my son suffered with cancer.

I can't explain why I have felt that way, or why I spent so many years doing it. I know now it was out of the guilt of not being able to do anything about my sons cancer and the guilt that I somehow was to blame. I had to turn my anger and blame to someone and that someone was me.

So I focused on the hours I spent in the hospital, the hours beside his bed while he was so sick that each day the nurses and doctors were trying to prepare me for him dying. And each day I would just come in, sit at my sons side open his favorite book and just say..."not today..." and then I would read to him.

Not today...he was not going to die, not today not this way! That was what I had said for almost 2 months each day I walked into that PICU where my son was hooked to so many machines you didn't even know there was a little boy in there.

I thought of those moments as I ran that last stretch and I picked my head up and thought as I hurt in every muscle, in every joint..."not today.. I'm not quiting...not today"...and I moved forward.

I held back the tears with each step and with each breath I just kept thinking...I just have to finish!

I rounded the last turn as I headed down the last 200 meters of the race, and there at the corner were my fiancee Garrett, my daughter and son, Oscar and Maggie and my little step daughter Isabella. All I could see was their little faces and hear their cheers and I looked at Garrett with his big grin and hearing " Go Mommy Go!!" and I could no longer hold the tears back...I just ran!!
Maggie ran along side me for a bit and kept yelling "faster mom faster" all I could get out was I love you guys!! And I sprinted the last bit with all I had!

I'm not sure what I finished in, or what place...it didn't matter...I searched the area and looked for my kids and my Garrett...I was doing my best to keep it together and not collapse...I looked and finally saw them coming toward me...and as much as I hurt..I ran to them! Hugs and kisses and a lot of I love yous!! And the tears just kept coming!

I guess I am running now for so many things I didn't know at first. For my Johnathon of coarse, for my healing and for my kids now. It is about setting a goal, and following through. Showing my kids that you can do anything you want if you only just try.

Just keep it in a "forward motion" that's all I have to do!!